"The funny thing about resentment is that everytime you hear that person's name [target of resentment] who did wrong upon you, you feel emotions of anger and fear. Then as you're busy being bitter, that person probably does not even know you harbor strong emotions, and better yet, they most likely do not care." - Professor Bernstein BUS 101

I found that segment of his lecture humorous because it summed up my freshman year of college. I held certain resentments against some people and felt bitterness at the mere sound of certain names mentioned in conversations. Seeing him or her made my blood boil to the point if I saw them on campus I turned and walked another direction. But later found out he or she could give less than a damn. Moreover, there were also people I knew who held a certain resentment toward me but it never had no affect also, because I was too busy resenting others.

It's all such a tiring cycle. Resentment. Such a wasting emotion to have on a person. I no longer care to resent anyone right now. Who needs to? Unless they commit crime and put your life in danger, but anything else is just too damn unimportant to take in as a serious offense. There is other things to waste your energy upon. Even if fear, anger, and all the negative energy takes up our life spans I guess we have to take it upon ourselves to get a grip on what should affect us or bring us down.

Community College is not bad. It's not amazing but I can see myself comfortable for a year or two. I like 3 out of the five professors there. Especially Bernstein. And it's a lot easier to concentrate at home even if of course, I miss Rutgers. I have to admit, it's nice to come back to your own room with nobody in it. Even if I'd rather see everyone's faces. But the classes are tons easier and it's a good way to boost my GPA.

I have a good job and a good guy with me right now, and I definitely can't resent that, now can I?

Aunt Flo is coming to town. I can feel it.
Muh.
I had a long entry to type but Jule beckons because we have to go take our last Biology test.

Saw Madeehah last night. She showed me her little bio on the internet yesturday. Thought it was cute so I decided to do one because, well, I'm bored and don't want to do my bio paper. Hehe.

My name is Jacklyn. I don’t have a middle name and wish I did. I am brown and sometimes try to fake a Filipino accent when talking to my relatives. I wish I spoke Tagalog too. I wish I knew how to drive a manual car because it looks really sexy. I work a lot because I hate seeing my bank account in two digit numbers. I love sunny days when the sky is blue and there’s not a single cloud. I love to jog outdoors because it’s when I feel most at peace. I admit that I’m not loud but am crazy at times and laugh a lot. I am random and come up with the weirdest scenarios. My imagination is one you or I could never fathom. I like to think I’m the person my friends can lean on because I tell the truth. I do find myself lost in my own thoughts and have my head in the clouds. I believe there is a God but I am very doubtful about fate and destiny. I am sarcastic because it’s usually how I get my point across. My brother and sister are my favorite people no matter how much we fight. I love my friends no matter how close or far apart we are. I have made mistakes that I never knew I was capable of. I am critical on myself but accept I am not perfect nor ever will be. At the same time, I have accomplished a state of happiness. I am touchy feely because I believe actions speak louder than words. I am a dork. I can’t get enough of music, playing or hearing the piano. I would marry Chopin if he was alive. My favorite color if sky blue and purple and always will be. I am the youngest sister. I am non-confrontational. I love bubble tea but don’t know why. I don’t like centipedes at all. I love. I don’t dislike people unless you give me a reason to. I like to have a purpose. I want to find a passion in life eventually.

You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.

You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.

Compromise is the name of the game at this time and it is the only way you can avoid being deprived of the love and affection you so rightly deserve -so soften up a little, be flexible.

There is considerable amount of stress present in your life at this time and this is perhaps due to some considerable mental and physical frustration. There are various physical needs that are necessary for your well-being but whatever the reasons - mostly of your own making - your needs are not being fulfilled. We wonder why? You are under the impression that nobody seems to care for you. This predicament is most uncomfortable and it is because of this that you are experiencing far more stress than you feel you can cope with. You need to find a soul mate - someone who truly understands you and whose standards are as high as your own. As matters stand you would like to break away from the vicious cycle that you find yourself entrapped but this is easier said than done. You refuse to compromise with your opinions and essentially you are unable to resolve the situation because you are continually postponing the making of the necessary decision. You are stubborn but this should be no deterrent experiencing a happy life.

You are worn out - suffering from what has been described as 'burnout' and nothing seems to stimulate you to break away from this state of lethargy. This situation is causing an acute distress situation and not being able immediately to resolve the problems is exposing you to excess stress and tension. You are endeavouring to break away from this situation by withdrawing into a state of 'Never Never Land' - an illusory substitute world in which things could be as you would like them to be. Now is the time to take time-out - to relax. A short break is all that you need and you will find that matters will resolve themselves

DARN colorgenics you got that right.
Which is why I'm peacing to the shore for a night even if that means trouble.

Got the job at the nursing home for higher pay than receptionist for the school year. The way Natalie's voice sounded anyway. I guess I'll take it. Why not? It coincides with the career path I want to take, which is physical therapy. Plus you get all these union benefits for being part time and money for "uniforms". Shnazzy I say.

Today Mia and I went to the mall to celebrate getting a new job after being sent to "exile and jobless from the nursing home" for the summer. At first, my frugal mind became annoyed we were spending money on clothes I knew wouldn't be that useful. I bought skinny NEON blue pants from Hot Topic (and that pairs with what?) a tanktop, and a plaid Tunic from Urban. As the girl at Urban Outfitters asked me to swipe my card, "Debit or Credit?" I felt my heart thud a little faster. Not from excitement either. More along the lines of hoping it wouldn't mean I'll suffer later on from making this choice. Which the answer is probably yes, I will eventually stop wearing the tunic, but the shirt looks sooo cool. "And it's fifty percent off of fifty percent sale! I HAVE to get it or else." Ha.

Then as realization dawns upon me, this is how consumerist America works. We'll never need half the clothes we buy. It's just a run for the money. Therefore, I never understand why girls are so obsessed with picking out brand name stuff and spending $100 on the same shirt you get from Marshalls for $30. Sometimes I live in this consumerism to de-stress. Other times, I shy away from being materialistic and act like dad's child. I'm a human with desires. (And ahem, a Taurus too) But when it comes down to the simplicity of shopping, all I end up wearing every week are my comfortable t-shirts and skinny jeans or dress up here and there. It just makes me wonder how we fall into such expensive obsessions.
Mia never seems to lose that knack for shopping. I would be the same if that voice in the back of my head didn't whine so much. Darn conscience.

I LOVE August. Why could've it started earlier but that's okay. Better late than never.
He won't make me run in circles because I took another route. SEEyeah.

Ahh iPod is broken. Downloaded new music today off of Limewire, put on some more Sublime, Regina Spektor, Coheed and Jimi Hendrix but as soon as I turned it on, it froze and the screen hasn't moved in five hours. I have to admit, I'm in a state of panic. I have an emotional attachment to my music as you can tell. It's almost like a best friend but ALWAYS there even before you go to sleep. How could it? After four years of never failing, iPod, how could you? =(

A few days ago, Germaine told me that Fresh (after three times trying it out) made the cut to be on ABDC. So excited they made it ! Rutgers represent. Not usually a fan of reality TV shows but this ones an exception along with Dancing with the Stars. Especially when Gillean and Mario sucked me into it on sub night. When everyone was out on Thirsty Thursday we were the nerds watching ABDC at 10PM. Hope they make it to the top 3 at least.

August should be more exciting than July. No more biology classes, get to go to the shore and hang out in the city. Summer begins at last. (Or ends, but shhh)

Being in a state of unproductivity gets is one thing I hate.

10:30PM on a slow summer July night. Hm.

I'm in a very stuck and somber mood. This is because I'm in an easy biology class at ECC that is exactly the one I took at Rutgers. I studied hard for that Rutgers bio class and it bores me to tears to learn exactly the same stuff again. Plus, I'm currently job-less during the week, which is a bit of a time shock considering I'm used to being productive 7 days a week, 8-16 hours a day. So I've reading and writing to keep thoughts off of everything. Of missing everyone. Of just trying to be okay and content. But usually I tend to bump into a, "I don't know what I want with life right now" state of mind. The usual.

Kind of sad that I won't be seeing Rutgers friends tomorrow. Rebecca, Gillean and Bhoomi are going to Rebcon's shore house for the day and I wanted to go and have some fun...but the bio test is scheduled. I miss my friends too much now. Being together with my second family. We all laughed like maniacs together, fought, and just lived certain moments that leaves me wishing for more. They're all going to continue on and I'll have to find a new set of people to get through school. It's a weird thought. Haven't really gone all out, drank, done anything crazy or had a good time all summer long. I know I shouldn't complain and be appreciative of everything that's at home. That I'm fine here with family...I just miss them, though. I know I should just call them up to do something. But I've done enough nagging in the beginning of the summer for it to be considered "rude" up at this point.

I've officially decided to put a hold on guys and their bullshit. Hehe. There's nothing left to do but reciprocate at this point.

Well, at least Jule and I are going to get through this biology class. He gets me through the boring three hours, actually. We have good conversations as the teacher decides to leave the room and not teach at moments. And Germaine, Tracy, Jule and I will see the 6th Harry Potter movie tomorrow <3. Finally. It's literally been 10 years since the first movie came out! I doubt any little kids will be there anymore. Know why? Because all the Harry Potter fans are grown up and old.

Hopefully this summer won't last too long and I'll be the same person before college....and to be patient. And maybe things will eventually work out and lighten up.

Reappearing onto the livejournal scene every once in a while. I have the time to sit around and do nothing, or, ahem, blog.

All summer, I was working at the town diner but quit last week. It was the best feeling of freedom I've ever experienced. They had us working ridiculous hours of five times a week, 4:30 to 1:30AM. I won't say much after that because it's too ridiculous to talk about (plus, this is broadcasted online) Some days were better than others, but the uncertainty if you were going to make tips or not was a killer. Some days you liked your coworkers and other days you couldn't helped but be frustrated with incompetence (sometimes even my own). And word to people...you never want to piss off a waitress or waiter because they WILL do the nasty nasties to the food, trust me. It's similar to ;P.

But what it comes down to is I'm finished working and racked up some dolla dolla bills. Which is good. Randy was upset his "fellow Filipino" couldn't stay longer. I survived a month and a half however, and would've done more if my parents didn't bribe me to take classes for a new car. So now I have more time to relax and hibernate. It's invigorating.

I just got home from a funeral right now. Jessica, one of my closest friends since 1st grade, Aunt quickly and tragically went her way. I couldn't believe Daria passed away. Although Jess and I barely talked freshmen year, we didn't fall out with each other. I tend to fall away from people if they don't call me. She did the same. But now that Daria went her way, we most definitely had to reconnect.

Daria was basically Jess' second mom next to Barbara. Everytime Jess and I hung out, Aunt Daria and I always joked around we were going to gang up on Jess and Debbie. That we weren't going to take anymore verbal abuse. At the wake, I walked up to her and said in my head, "We never got to pull our prank." It wasn't the most appropriate comment to say to a dead person, I'm sure she laughed though. The fact that she was actually gone just did not register until today's funeral =( R.I.P. Aunt Daria...you'll be missed.

So now I'm going to vacuum Germaine's car since she's coming home from the Philippines tomorrow!

Once Griffin backed out of my driveway and drove away in his jeep back to his own home somewhere in the woods, I looked at all my luggage piled in the dining room. I didn't want to move any of it. I didn't want to even look at the five suitcases and two jumbo black bags sitting there because that meant I'd be permanantly settling back home.

Then it hit me that freshman year of Rutgers was over. My dorming career is over. That sinking feeling came over me. It's as if you broke up with a boyfriend but only worse, because you don't miss one person, many parts of you are empty and missing. Before Griffin dropped me off we talked about everything that happened this year among our group of friends. We freakin' lived a soap opera in our Quad I've come to realize. We all had our own stories that intertwined and connected. I loved and hated it all at the same time.

I slept seven hours straight from 12noon - 7PM. Kendall must've wanted to avoid my hacking cough because when I woke up, she left three hours early for class. Then I slept through Nature of Politics and have barely left my dorm all day.

Tomorrow's my mom and Kendall's (my roomie) birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY !

So it's great to have a course counting towards my major. Yes, I decided to major in biological sciences for physical therapy even if there's a detour in these plans, and I'll be in school until I'm 23-25 years old. (*sarcasm inserted* Thanks, dad)

Butr Concepts in Biology will be the death of my semester. Just by the way Dr. Transue types out his syllabus and instructions sound exhausing to listen to. He sounds like those college professors people make fun of movies that go "blah blahhh blah blahhh". Omna was completely right but I'm still too stubborn to drop a class until I'm sure I can't do it.

Yayy I finally uploaded new music on to my iPod. My life is almost complete and fulfilled. Now workouts won't be tedious, I can enjoy running instead of staring at a wall as I workout on the treadmill. I swear, it's harder to run a mile or two when the most interesting thing to look at is the clock and time yourself.

I thought break would be over soon, and that I'd be surely back at room 2531 on Livingston Campus, Rutgers University in an instant. But break is actually going surely and slowly. I'm waiting for the moment I'll become yet another face and number in the midst of 5,000 freshmen. Once again, I will soon be living with the loud annoying hallmates who yell random phrases such as, "OKAY, GUYS! I'm taking a sh*t so don't use the bathroom !". Or those nights the boys who will be jamming with electric guitars in the house lounge until 4AM. Back to the sleepless nights full of Rock-band, pool, and Taboo. Moreover, it'll be back to sitting in silence with my roommate as we both try to study and block out the noise.

House 25 is known as the bizarre place where one group or another will do the unexpected: this includes jacking ice cream tubs from the school cafeteria, house-lounge sleepovers, chasing each other like two-year olds, singing Christmas carols in October, having lap-dance seminars, playing pranks on Suede...or Tim, lol, staying up to talk about nothing and everything. The list goes on. Have to admit, I kinda miss the obnoxious-ness and madness that goes on in college dorms. But I know it's time to settle down and get serious with school now that the first semester is over, and these classes are just getting more difficult. Even if I will study more, I hope that this one last semester will be as enjoyable as the first one.

Classes for the Spring 2009:
Pre-Calculus 111 (Ugh, re-taking this because I failed first semester.)
Concepts in Biology
Nature of Politics (The only fun class this semester)
Research in Disciplines (basically expository writing 2. I want to puke and barf at the thought of taking this class.)
Bryne Seminar about Time, Conciousness, and Self

The days slowly inch by without a job to occupy time. Mia and I have been vegging out a lot along with Christian and Mark. We played a lot of Taboo to pass the time, went to the city to ice skate at Bryant Park, and ate at Todai on 54th street. But Christian left for a study abroad program in London until May. Last night, he invited a few of us over so we could say goodbye before he left. Tita Alice cooked an entire tray of pancit, a pot of soup, ordered pizza and lumpia. The Filipino way of saying goodbye is to prepare food as if the entire town were coming. So a few of us sat in the Buenafe's kitchen munching away at our feast. Rexon, our gossip of the night, delivered the newsfeed that certain childhood friends were getting married, starting careers or due to give birth soon. It was surprising to hear about everyone's lives. Who knew the future would be so...soon. Instead of talking about trivial high school drama and prom dresses, we're now moving on to careers and settling down in apartments, etc.

Rexon: "Man, we're losing our people and best friends. We're losing them to their boyfriends and girlfriends, because they all can't stand being single for a minute. While we're all perpetually single."
*Awkward silence for a moment*
Mark: "Well...we have each other."
Haha, I thought that was a cute moment. Perpetually single, I daresay, but perpetually happy to live out the last few years of youth.

I also thought it's funny how people you once met in passing could become your friend later on. Or become a person in your life that you think about once in a blue moon. Like, that kid you sat next to in 4th grade becomes your best friend's boyfriend. Your best friend in 6th grade can become your worst enemy, or a person you once knew in 1st grade sits next to you at a party. It's all very coincidental..almost like serendipidity. And it's ironic how the world turns out a decade later even if we all started out in one place.
The concept sort of relates to this quote:
From my Starbucks cup</u>
The Way I See It
"I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gaillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stumped by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you mary marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word."
--Augusten Burroughs Author of Running with Scissors

You never know what comes next. :/

One day I want to figure out why my mind thinks the way it does.

And why it holds onto the past more than it should. Should memories really stick around this much? The same scenes, conversations and laughter from the summer somehow infiltrates the college days that swiftly pass me by. No matter how much I love to seize the present and get lost in each and every moment, I shouldn't really think about what he said or what was done. My motto is and has always been Get in, get out, goodbye. Attachment is a word that rarely fits my vocabulary.

But the funny thing is I want to forget it. Other times, I want to hold on to the fact the past has happened and there were amazing moments that keep me cheeesin'. However, every woman must bear their cross and feel the burn of each scar and understand what's done is done. It has made me stronger and more resilient towards the other things that have happened this semester. Besides, after the entire Luis and Keith problems I think a heart can turn into steel.

The worst part is thinking that you moved on but the thoughts are still crisp and emotional as it was left behind. Maybe all a person needs is closure.

But I know I'll get over it. Chin up, keep going, Jacklyn.

It's snowing here at Rutgers and sticking to the ground. Profesor Bruning should cancel class and make life easier, so I don't have to take a bus ride to Cook/Douglass. Ridiculous, right? Then I can sit here, attempt homework, and continue to be distracted by people here in the Quads. If there are three reasons I fail college, it's this:
1) Foozeball
2) Rock Band
3) Crazy people

Sometimes I wonder if I'm beginning to lose my sense of self. I'm glad that my mind woke up and realized the place where I am...who I am...finally, instead of falling into a day-dream state where everything has no value to me. I like being an open-minded person but it would be a hell lot easier if I had a direction of what to become.

Right. So now it's time to get involved in college life instead of wasting time. There is not too much of this year left, and I just have to take it in.

The first of every month is supposed to be a happy one.
Now it's depressing.

You know, when life comes down to the knitty gritty...
I love artistic expression.

Hanging with these fools




Eating at this restaurant


Visiting this place


Drinking this Asian stuff


Seeing this movie

'Twas a lovely vacation week. Thanks !

Damn I regret that.

Friggatriskaidekaphobia or a morbid, irrational fear of Friday the 13th. There's also another word: paraskevidekatriaphobia. Who the hell termed "friggatriskaidekaphobia"? The word sound like a freakish joke more than a scientific definition.

I can't recall the last Friday the 13th we had. But if I'm unable recall it, it must've been one bland, mundane day where "bad luck" has not crossed my path.

Today I'm heading over to Clifton for a graduation party. Now, if I did not realize today was Friday the 13th in the first place, the word "superstition" or "fear of bad luck" would not exist in my vocabulary. But since the media has mentioned it, I'm probably going to drive the speed limit and stop short at every orange light I pass. Or not run red lights. And if I was that superstitious, I wouldn't jump in the pool in fear of drowning.

But with all them other superstitions, I have surpassed my limit. I've walked under the ladders out of childhood boredom more than seven times. Therefore, that's 49 years of bad luck. I've eaten my plates double stacked regardless of mom's whining that I will have more than one husband. I've also cracked a mirror and stood in front of one.

So..if I'm still alive, why the heck am I being superstitious in the first place?